#and i need something that can do both
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for the One Millionth Time i am trying to find a calendar system that works for me. does anyone have recommendations of calendar apps for neurodivergent beasts (me)
#ive tried google calendar and it works better then a physical calendar (too loseable + my handwriting sucks) but it doesnt seem to stick#i cant remember to put events on there and i cant remember to check it#and also it doesnt leave room for like. extra notes and stuff that i want to get done but dont have a specific time period for#its good for scheduled events not good for 'list of things i wanna do today'#and i need something that can do both#wow look something original!!#adhd things#hep?
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Was looking at refs and since Viktor has two different leg braces I was wondering, do we think he wears them simultaneously?? The refs don't perfectly line up perspective-wise so it's hard to tell but parts of the one he wears during the Hexcore scenes look like they could maybe line up with the brace that he wears over his clothes, but also some parts really don't and look like they'd be super uncomfy. Also HOW does he take these on and off. Experts weigh in
#viktor#arcane#ig my assumption would be that he wears both simultaneously cause in the scene where he injects the shimmer#it seems implied that he just threw off his clothes and kept experimenting#so one might assume he was already wearing the smaller one underneath#tho it is a funny image to think of him just being like 'one sec i gotta go all the way home and grab my other brace to do this'#he can take off the back brace too cause hes not wearing it in the scene where he's in the hospital bed and you can see his shoulder#where the strap would be#but that one seems to make even less sense functionality wise#everything looks like its screwed together#or screwed INTO him#but only the top bolts on his spine are i think#in the close ups of his back brace model it looks like theres cushioning underneath the parts of it that cover the rest of his spine#so he can take it off. but HOW#what parts of it unscrew/detatch to pull open and off#does it not do that at all and he just has to shimmy it off his shoulder and all the way down his legs to get it off like a romper#the shape language of the designs are cool but like. tell me how it wooorrkkksss#forgive me if im just dumb and dont know at all how braces work and theres a very simple practical explanation for all this#any king who wants to infodump about mobility aids at me....the floor is yours#something to be said i suppose about the fact that zaunites have crazy prosthetics with wild augmentations that work flawlessly#and piltover's like. idk heres some fucking uncomfortable ass metal. salo gets wheelchair in non ada compliant place#they havent ever needed to adapt to accommodate disabilities etc etc#or maybe artists were just like 'heres a design' and everybody clapped and didnt give it a second thought#and then they just turned off the visibility on the mesh when they didnt need it knowing thered not be a scene where its taken off#dont even wanna THINK about what that rig would look like#like 40 different controllers#soft body and rigid hard surfaces needing to move together....#a cold chill just shot up my spine#<- guy who is only an animator and doesnt know how to rig#forgive the magic wand tool with zero cleanup. i am lazy
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Sublime Equine.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#little apple#Did I *need* to dedicate a whole comic to little apple when I'm trying to economize my scenes?#Well! I did start this whole blog with the dreams of one day being able to draw better equines. So Yes. I did need this.#The true benchmark of my art progress is actually the quality of how I draw Little Apple.#(no seriously go look back at my little apple tag. Then come back here).#Hey welcome back! I know right! What was I even doing at the start? That was *not* a donkey!!!#That aside - I really am thrilled that I can draw her more. Even if she's only *really* in two more comics for season 2.#I wish I had more thoughts here. I'm so distracted by the donkey rotating in my brain. I missed her so monch.#Oh! Yeah I really like the parallels here between WWX and Little apple.#Specifically the sense of how we get a nod to how he's changed.#Little apple and WWX have both grown a little less lean and hungry (one literally the other metaphorically)#This whole episode is basically about WWX's desire for something peaceful and domestic in his life.#and here is little apple - his first companion from the start of his new life - changed to something softer.#Very much a 'look how far we have come moment' that is rather subtle but enjoyable.
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I need codependent Danny/Jason as a little treat (for me) and I love the idea of them having some sort of instant connection the moment they meet (bc ghost stuff idk)
Danny who's been dropped in Gotham with no way home (alt universe??) and he's been here for 36 hours and having a Very bad time senses a liminal being and immediately latches onto them heedless of the fact that his new best friend is shooting at some seedy guys in an alley and goes off about how stressed he is and how he can't make it back to the ghost zone and what a bad day he's been having (and it's important to note Danny is a littol ghost boy literally hanging off of Jason's neck as he floats aimlessly) and Jason is like "who are you??" And Danny is like "oh sorry I'm Danny lol" and then just continues lamenting his woes
And honestly ? This might as well happen. Nothing about this Danny guy(is he human?) gives Jason a bad vibe and tbh he's never felt more calm and level headed before so he just keeps up his usual Red Hood patrol and doesn't even think about it when he heads back to a safehouse and feeds Danny dinner (breakfast) before crashing for half the day
The only thing I actually need is Jason meeting up with the bats for some sort of Intel meeting and they're like "uhhh who's that" and Jason is like "that's Danny." And does not elaborate (very ".... What do you have there?" "A smoothie" vibes)
And it takes them a while to realize that these two have known each other for less than 12 hours and are literally attached at the hip
#very remora fish with a shark#jason todd#danny fenton#danny phantom#dpxdc#dp x dc#this isnt super important but i imagine Danny's ghost form as young and unaged from his death so jason is used to this small whispy kid#who just hangs off him and talks literally all the time#so when something comes up and someone is like 'idk if we can bring danny looking like... that' (glowing and a literal ghost)#danny is like 'oh ok u need a human? ok :)' and transforms#its been WEEKS#jason didn't know he could do that#nobody did#and now theres this 20ish dude standing there#human form danny doesn't talk a lot (anxiety) ghost form danny can't stop talking (anxiety)#could be a ship fic and at this point jason goes from 'where is my little buddy :(' to 👀😳#i imagine theres a sort of feedback loop with them both feeding off of each other's ecto energies and vibes idk#so when danny is human its not as strong#batman is convince this strange entity is like hypnoyizing his son and like hes not WRONG#but it goes both ways#idk#i just need more codependency fics :(#i should go on a bender#ignore my 500 open tabs and go to town
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I’d like to clear up some common misconceptions about the Attack on Titan Tower, aka when Jason infiltrated it to attack Tim
If you want to read this for yourself, here are some links: readallcomics - I have the best luck with this site on destop zipcomic readcomicsonline - this site can be temperamental
1) Jason did not go there to attempt to kill Tim
Jason seems to have 3 separate goals for this: - size up the new kid. - make sure he knows Bruce just sees him as another soldier - prove to Tim just how dangerous the job is (heavily implied, in my opinion, especially after Tim tried telling Jason he was wrong about how Bruce saw him) He also voiced his anger over being forgotten by everyone. Depending on your interpretation of Jason and his character, this could also be a reason. To me, this feels more like an afterthought because they moved to the Hall of Fallen Heroes before he said this, and Jason likes to be dramatic.
Side note on this. Jason never says anything about being replaced.
2) none of Tim’s injuries were life threatening
Once again, Jason was not attempting to kill him. He beat him up pretty badly, but it was designed to prove a point
3) Jason did NOT cut Tim’s throat.
That happened during Hush which predates both Under the Red Hood and Titan’s Tower. Jason was pretending to be Hush, put a knife to Tim’s throat, and put enough pressure to make him bleed (it was not an actual slice) to get Bruce to react to him. That injury was not life threatening either
4) Jason developed a respect and a bit of envy for Tim after fighting him
At the end of the issue while he’s leaving (while outside the tower), Jason acknowledges Tim’s skill. Jason also wonders if he could have had a life more similar to his, where he had friends and a better support system, if he could have had a different life.
5) Tim was NOT a damsel in distress during the fight, and he did NOT develop a fear of Jason.
Tim was making quips and dissing Jason the entire fight. Tim was not afraid of him nor did he bat an eye at being attacked by Jason. He also vocalized just how much he had to work for his cape because of how Jason's death affected Bruce
Also, the next time Tim saw Jason after this, he made sure to kick Jason in the groin
6) Jason wrote "Jason Todd was here" and signed it with a hand print on the wall.
It looks like it could be in blood, but Tim's not injured enough for there to be that much... and blood darkens after a while. There's a bit of time between Tim getting knocked out and the rest of the Titans finding him and the writing so it's probably paint. Again, Jason likes to be dramatic
7) more Robin!Jason slander by Raven
Once again, we get the mention that Jason was "aggressive". I swear, this is the only thing writers remember from Death in the Family and not the point that that behavior was out of the ordinary for Jason. This is a personal pet peeve of mine in the comics.
8) almost forgot to add the most important part, Jason made a homemade Robin costume and wore it under his Red Hood outfit because he could
Again, Jason is a dramatic bitch.
#jason todd#red hood#dc comics#Tim Drake#dc robin#Attack on Titans Tower#As much as I do like enemy to caregiver fics I feel like we need to clear the air a bit regarding this specific event#dear fans Jason can be insane at times but to him he needed to prove something to both himself and Tim during this#killing was not on the table here#I love Jason as a character#but he is a dramatic bitch#he's also has some of the most wildly different characterizations out of the Batfam
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I love Raph and haven’t said that enough so to be more specific I love that Raph is a soft boy who loves bear plushies, a gross boy who eats an assortment of things that are definitely better left alone, a smart boy who is more than capable of taking down villains through planning and fortitude alike, a strong boy who is dedicated to training his muscles and fighting prowess, a teenage boy who loves his brothers but is more than happy to tease and roughhouse with them, an angry boy who sometimes lets his anger take a hold of him to cover the fear, a gentle boy who is generous with hugs and affirmations to those he loves, a capable boy who takes on more than should ever be expected of a teenager, a good boy who just wants to be a hero and slowly comes to realize the cost of that duty, a good boy who has no reservations about putting himself in the way of harm coming to his family, a good boy who’s a great brother and son and person and deserves only the best the world has to offer.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt raph#rise raph#he’s so wonderful frfr#my poor boy is traumatized but still so proud of what they accomplished because they’re HEROES#what started as something fun - Saturday morning cartoon-like heroes vs villains esque - soon becomes his calling#and he loses himself a little along the way#because the world is TERRIFYING now#if they don’t do something about the bad things in the world then worse things will come#and Raph CARES too much to let it happen#even at the expense of his own happiness and youth#and he luckily reigns back that fear - knowing his family is there to keep an eye out with him#and he finally lets himself be a kid again#he’s very well rounded and his flaws are so good because (like the others) they are ALSO his strengths#I like how it’s softly implied that bears are his fav animal too bc that’s cute af#headcanon that he likes them so much because a stuffed bear was the first toy splinter managed to get Raph#but yeah one of my favorite things about tmnt is that the characters are well rounded and rottmnt exemplifies that immensely#with raph being no exception!!#amazing big brother and character#there’s a REASON in my tmnt main character tierlist he’s S tier!!!!#hot take but in terms of who should be leader I think it should be less who’s the better leader-#-and more who’s the better leader FOR THIS SPECIFIC MISSION#bc all four can be great leaders fight me on that#APRIL can as well 100%#doesn’t need a designated leader for them to succeed#they just need ~communication~#one of my favorite things tying Raph and Leo together is that they both *hide*#I’ve talked about Leo’s many masks a lot but Raph has one too#and it’s the mask of a hero - the mask of the protector
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No hold on I'm gonna make an extra post about this:
I wouldn't choose to be alloromantic
If I were given the choice to either remain aro or become alloro again, I would choose aromanticism.
And I think a lot of people need to hear that.
#aro#aromantic#actually aromantic#safeforaro#alloromantics are encouraged to reblog this#aros aren't the only ones who need to hear that our orientation isn't a consolation prize#too many ppl - both aro-specs and alloros - think that being aro is okay only bc it's not something we choose#with the implicit belief that if we COULD choose then OF COURSE we'd choose to be alloro#bc it's clearly the 'superior' option#and honestly? it's not.#they're equally valid options and which one is 'superior' depends entirely on your own needs and preferences#and my preference is *being aro*#so if you're aro and you feel like yeah sure it's OKAY that you're aro bc you DIDN'T choose this#but if you could you WOULD choose to be alloro?#well maybe being alloro really would be better for you. or maybe it's just internalized amatonormativity.#and I cannot answer for you which one it is - the only one who can is you#all I can do is raise you the OPTION that it might be amatonormativity and then leave you to consider it#so this is for the aros who need to hear that option#and for the alloros who pity us for supposedly getting the short end of the stick#we are not a tragedy
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I have a lot of leftover drawings in my gallery. [Blank Scripts AU]


[Content Warning: Images below contain Gore, Death, and Disturbing/Uncomfortable Imagery]
I find it a bit cute knowing they start out as crazy and then slowly settle into something calmer and relatively healthier after learning to adapt to each other's lust-turned-love. [Stanley did it first but hey :3]
#tsp blank scripts au#they love each other [genuinely] theyd rather die if theyre to go without each other by this point#hhmmm I hope the last few images arent too damning#These two go through a lot during the progression of their relationship#and I wanted to showcase that yknow?#theyre demented but theyre just perfect for each other kind of way#lovingly tearing each other apart and rebuilding each other to do it over and over again#repeating this dull process of endings over and over and finding ways to keep themselves entertained#this place was never even meant to be fun#but now that theyve gotten entangled with each other#they cant help but want to play around#even if its just for a little bit?#work can continue later right?#they love each other a little bit too much they actually need to be put in a separate cage#like a spider and a praying mantis#is it painful? yes. is it fun? also yes. do they like doing it only to each other and nobody else? YES.#their psych is genuinely so fun to explore and dissect#I had a lot of fun making these despite how deranged they look#something about them.... it drives both to do things they would never even consider doing to anybody else... but towards each other#you know what i mean? or am i just yapping nonsense again.#horror#the stanley parable#the stanley parable ultra deluxe#tsp#tspud#tsp au#tsp narrator#narrator tsp#stanley tsp#tsp stanley
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Blind side (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Sans#Papyrus#Gaster#Sans closing his good eye every once in a while and keeping his blind eye open - obviously he does so in-game as well so it's a style-match#It's just interesting in the context of him being textually-confirmed blind in Handplates hehe#There's a level of vulnerability there! Not more than closing both eyes around someone - and potentially also distrust!#''I'm baring myself blind right now but /you/ don't need to know that'' - it suits him ♪#Especially when he does it around Papyrus! Because obviously Papyrus knows about his partial blindness#But when he's trying to be duplicitous - the way he looks at him sidelong with his blind eye when he's trying to lie unsuccessfully ugh <3#And again-again it being about how much he trusts Papyrus! That he can be a little lazy or spacey and Papyrus will help him!#Also something about his entire right side being impaired - pawing around with his plated hand for something he can't see on that side#The dynamics! Internal and external! Very good like them lots#And then there's Gaster lol ♪ Throw him into the mix I'm sure it won't make a mess at all haha#I guess he's visiting? Just spacing out - he and Sans have a lot on their minds - separately haha#I do love how Sans pushes Gaster to be kind to Papyrus - very deservedly! He wants Papyrus to be happy of course#And he's obviously still angry with Gaster a lot but how might that present itself when Papyrus is Papyrus at Gaster hehe#Even just in that small jokey way of ''you tryin' to step on my turf?'' hehehe#Especially since the comparison wouldn't even come up if he had two functioning eyes hm?? Right Gaster???? Lol#Speaking of that scene and Sans' partial blindness tho ughhughuhg <3 <3 The fact that Sans stands with Gaster to his blind side#It's the vulnerability/distaste/confidence of it all! He's grown up so much it's all right there in how he holds himself#That he either trusts Gaster enough not to attack him - starting to believe him - or that he has enough faith in himself to protect himself#And only looking at him with his peripherals unless he looks directly at him hghhhgh I am Normal about shot composition I swear lol#Also I like how that last panel turned out lol - Sans just appears at the bottom of the steps like how's it going. care to gtfo thx
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Will never get over how Starscream and Skyfire's relationship is always doomed. There's never an iteration of them where they both stay on the same side at the end. They always end up being against each other, tearing each other apart (whether intentionally or not). They always end up losing each other, be it by a snowstorm, by the war, or by death itself. They never receive a happy ending together, one if not both of them is doomed to suffer.
Skyfire is doomed to be an Autobot, by forces out of his control. Starscream is doomed to be an Decepticon, by his own self destructive tendencies. They are both doomed, because of who they are. They always try to save the other, in their own way. But it never works. They are doomed to fail, whether they stay together or not.
#Starscream and skyfire are parallels of optimus and Megatron. do you understand me.#believing in someone when no one else did. seeing something worth supporting when no one else did. being the one person they trust.#they both ended up being torn apart by the war and their own ideals. losing each other because of their conflicting views.#one became an autobot and the other became a decepticon. one of them must fall.#i have lots of feelings about them yknow.#doomed yaoi shit going on here#will never get over how much g1 starscream cared about skyfire. like. he kept trying to have skyfire stay by his side#he was still a shitty guy and treated skyfire like shit but there was genuine care and emotion under it all. he still cared#i need a universe where they get to reconcile. where they get to be happy. pull an earthspark and let them be friends again#i need a skyfire who learns to love and accept post-war Starscream. i need a Starscream who despite everything still want skyfire with him.#i need them not to be doomed but rather learn and grow. accept the flaws and faults of the past and learn to move on#can you tell i love skystar#can you tell i love them#skyfire#jetfire#starscream#transformers#transformers g1#g1 transformers#the fire burns#skystar
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Bonus 13: Beware the Grapes of Wrath.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#wen qing#wen ning#WWX's main weapon as the Yiling patriarch is considered to be 'Wen Ning' - which makes sense as far as the whole necromancer thing goes.#However...That *is* Wen Qing's beloved baby brother!#In her perspective WWX skipped town for a few days (or so) and took WN with him#only for them both to show up bloodied and in a state of disarray.#There's no way he told her he was going out to duel Jiang Cheng. For several reasons.#He doesn't want to involve her in his messes anymore than he already has.#It's less that she would try and stop him and more so that he honestly wouldn't even think to say something about it to her.#WQ and him aren't partners in this situation. He actually openly disregards her opinions several times.#Wei Wuxian's emotional distance from everyone around him is a big part of this arc.#Like all good tragedies...his biggest flaw is his hubris. He doesn't *need* anyone when he's so capable on his own.#He doesn't need to ask permission when obviously this is the only way forwards.#He has to do it all on his own! No one else needs to be involved!#And if you've been in the position of realizing you have a problem of toxic self-reliance - you know how harmful this mindset is.#It's why it's so satisfying to see WWX in his 'new' life start to let other's share his burdens.#I will die on the hill of 'love means carrying each other's weight. All a burden means is that I can give you support and you support me.'#YLLZ is less 'competent and sexy' and more 'depressed and can't see it'.#Another lovely nod to the main theme here is how he starts leaning more and more into the rumours about him.#Though we are also still confronted with how these rumours fail to actually live up to reality.#Rumour has it the Yiling Patriarch is undefeatable. What a shame if that rumour turned out to be untrue!
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not enough discussion about the gavins' complicated relationship with feminine-coded/beauty products, i don't think.
#for klavier because it's not as direct it's about how we never see him actually wearing lipstick? even though apollo literally attends#a concert of his which is where you'd most expect him to wear makeup. but apparently he just doesnt. or at least not in public#klavier gavin#kristoph gavin#i feel like there are several ways you can read into it. the misogyny/toxic masculinity one is really obvious clearly with kristoph's#singling out of men specifically and klavier's (probably accidental?) condescending manner of calling women 'fraulein' plus his general#mildly patronising attitude towards many of the women in the game (also probably unintentional)#(i think he's trying to be charming and it's coming off wrong to some of them. like ema. and me.)#but i feel like there's also maybe an element of... inherent perfecfionism to it? like both of these products are conventionally beautifyin#products and kristoph while he is open to showing people he uses nail polish specifically chooses one that's clear and missable unless you#see him apply it. he also feels the need to justify his use of it and specifically spell it out as something he chooses to do rather than#needs to do even though duh. that should be obvious.#idk there's just something about his seeming need to take control of that narrative that i find interesting. his need to spin it into a#'there's nothing wrong with my nails but I had the foresight to see that even the smallest parts of my appearance should be kept immaculate#and it's a choice i'm making to refine an already adequate part of my personage /not/ to cover some unsightly defect.' the need to emphasis#that specifically is so. hm. and with klavier i could see it being a case of him liking makeup liking the pops of colour yet being unwillin#to admit to it because he's afraid that other people might see it as him being dissatisfied with his own appearance regardless of if he is#or isn't. or even just perceiving colourful makeup as being unseemly because it's so overt and unnatural.#like i can see this as them both viewing 'real' beauty to be that which is inherent to a person and seemingly effortless#thus somehow negating the beauty which one achieves through cosmetics or other external means.#and if you want to use external means to achieve beauty or neatness or whatever then your only valid options are those which blend into you#natural state. like clear nail polish. or really awful spray tan.#i feel like klavier's less confined by these ideas (if they hold merit at all) considering he actually owns coloured lipstick and he wears#jewellery (admittedly quite 'masculine' jewellery no gems or pearls or anything like that but jewellery nonetheless) but i think it just#makes it more interesting that he doesnt seem quite able to cross the line anyway. like it's that ingrained into his system.#anyway that's all i've got. you guys should tell me what you think too#annotations
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Hello, yes, I need more cards where the characters interact with their younger selves.
I want more of this please:
#project sekai#project sekai colorful stage#hatsune miku colorful stage#proseka#prosekai#colorful stage#i didn't include toya's nocturne interlude trained card because while he is with his younger self#they aren't really interacting together? they're both just there playing their respective instruments#i want older toya to show younger toya that he found something someone that made him happy and enjoy music#i want to see older ena helping little ena with a drawing like she did for those school kids with emu and honami#i want to see older tsukasa put on a show for his younger self#or even just tell him that he's found more people who would help him pursue his dreams#saki holding her younger self the first night she has to spend in the hospital#honami baking with little honami#kanade holding out the music box (i can't remember if it was her mom's or her dad's) so her younger self can wind it up#mafuyu carrying her younger self away from something that looks harmful towards something that says safety#ichika telling little ichika all about leo/need's sekai and miku#emu is telling her younger self all about wxs and how they helped her save the wonder stage#do i need to go on?
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some rather strong first impressions were made.
required reading for the magical "voice" headcanon and another for starstruck's signature in particular. asked by @trainerbob23 !
#did i need to do a 9 page comic for this... well who knows. i had this scene in mind for a long time and wanted to do it justice!#important moment for both of them. you can see starstruck just generating the bandee shaped mental illness in real time.#and bandee resolving to be her point of contact with waddle dees if the others can't handle it#he is after all; the strongest and the bravest and the best of them.#“what is this signature like” it's like meeting something that has a human face but you can tell it is Not Human. think: uncanny valley#it also took her quite some time to pick up her own voice. she could not speak (popstarian) on her own for a while#she does not mimic anymore though if she can help it because it tends to weird others out and she wants to avoid that!!#it's not like a fun or enjoyable impersonation; it's like a perfect recording on a device.#also i guess this is *finally* the reveal of the 'hospital' mentioned previously that folks noticed and also like... her name 😂#anyway.... thank you to everyone who voted for starstruck in that poll and has encouraged this insane self indulgence... wow.#never thought i'd get to draw stuff like this and have others look forward to it. i really hope you'll enjoy this!!!#my art#my comics#starstruck dee#bandana waddle dee#gravitational collapse
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its kinda crazy to me how many people i seen call kab manipulative and treating it was entirely malicious in its intent, yet i see very few people pointing out that derap is also. being manipulative and expecting so much of the people he trusts— like "trust me or you just die" is such an insane test to do and its crazy bc i do nawt believe he'd react well if pangi or zam or whoever tested him like he tests them constantly
im not saying kab isnt manipulative or that shes faultless bc she has done a lot wrong and a lot to hurt the people around her— esp zam. but its interesting bc her and derap just dont seem to be held to the same standards by the wider fandom even though they both seem to default to manipulation and attempted control so they feel secure w their friends and allies.
it isnt done w malicious intent, but they are still hurting the people around them and expecting far too much from the people theyve latched onto. they dont seem to understand unconditional loyalty is something that doesnt ACTUALLY exist, and it is not the exact same as having a friend u know u can rely on consistently no matter what. even having a friendship like mapicc and zam, mapicc and ro, vi and subz, or any of the likes ISNT abt never disagreeing or never acting against them in any situation ever.
its trust built over time and from experiencing lifesteal together. its about winning together, losing together, fighting side by side, and knowing when to stand up for urself and to fight against them if they are doing smt that truly hurts u and/or goes directly against your own morals and beliefs. it isnt abt "youll trust me no matter what and just accept it even if im doing smt i know will upset u", its abt knowing that u can still be friends at the end of the day. that, come a new season, or a new arc, they are still someone u can have fun w and rely on to continue to be themselves w you.
their attempts to force a bond like that will only hurt themselves and their relationship w the people around them in the long run, but i feel like this is a lesson theyll need to learn w time and by experiencing it themselves bc theyre too lonely and desperate to be by someones side currently to realize it yet.
edit : had a funny realization that there is ONE relationship on the server that seems to be exactly what kab and derap are searching for, and its mane and flame. they want and expect the same loyalty from their teammate that flame has for mane. flame goes directly against his own morals and and beliefs bc mane asks it of him, and passively follows down manes path of destruction simply bc theyre teammates. he doesnt even think mane is right, but that doesnt matter simply bc the only thing he cares abt on LS is mane. he likes other people like pangi, pentar, and zam but he would kill just abt anyone if it was part of manes plan simply bc he has no path of his own— he hasnt found himself yet, so hes following mane nd his ideals.
#lifesteal#lifesteal spoilers#kaboodle#derapchu#its funny bc i do feel like derap already has this in wemmbu and potientially pangi#yet it isnt enough for him bc he is chasing an ideal he will never catch#i dont think zam can give him what he wants#just like the sticklers never wouldve been able to give him what he needed either#theyre both stuck chasing replacements for relationships they never actually had imo#like wemmbu was never going to commit like derap wanted him to and now hes gone#and clown never once trusted or felt as close to kab as she felt towards him#the reason devotions and dualities work is bc there are firm boundaries and expectations theyve learned together over the seasons#it isnt something u can immediately demand or expect when its something that came through trial and error#spanned across seasons of friendship#like u cant force that sort of bond— its smt that DEVELOPS
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it mattered because when my brother asked me what if this is the happiest you'll ever be? the best you'll ever get? the thing i felt was fear, not peace. everybody thought you were so perfect for me. even i thought you were "helping me grow". i had to challenge every internal clock. make myself more thoughtful, more kind, more beautiful.
i told my therapist it was good because i like the changes i made and there's something so strong about saying i did that. the problem is that i can like the difference all i want, but i changed for you. something akin to getting your name tattooed, all my progress is stamped with fuck you.
it was the happiest i'd ever been and also the best i'd ever gotten. i would still get in the car and think what the fuck just happened.
#warm up#writeblr#i spent a lot of time picturing our future#how funny to think: in each version of our future#i was never myself#i was someone smarter kinder braver#better adept.#who could navigate the way you shouted and got angry at small things and never fucking believed the best of me#i would never be needy and you'd never get tired of me#people usually talk about how we picture people as being “fixable”. but i assumed i was the problem. my idyllic picture wasn't of you.#it was a version of me that wasn't ill. that needed no extra help. that could be your wife and happy#the fact i wasn't happy was because there is something so wrong inside me. it's always been that way. i convinced myself:#if i stay i can change. if i stay i can make it worth it. i can apologize and fix this. and make us both okay.#for the last year i've been thinking about how you blamed our whole breakup on me. how it was my fault for whatever thing.#and i agreed with you. because of course i did. you'd trained me to believe everything was my fault . that you wanted to love me and i made#it far too hard. that i was always finding ways to ''set you off'.#a few days ago while i was doing something else#i realized that while i was in crisis you told me to fuck off and find someone else to get help. and you never fucking apologized .#you said i made you do that because i wasn't being sensible. i had been crying too hard to speak clearly.#you said: you're doing this to manipulate me.#you forgave yourself for that. i had to forgive you without apology. you said you were right to react that way. and then you were SO#SO annoyed. any time i said: i feel like you aren't nice to me. it is hard to trust that you love me.#i don't think about you that much anymore. but these days when i do: all i can think is that im not sure u ever really understood kindness#you were the cruelest to the people closest to you. and most of the time. that meant it fell to me.
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